My Caesarean And Me: Healing, Regret, Acceptance & Looking Forward

This post has been a long time coming. I’ve had this idea planned for months, but when it’s come time to sit down and write, my mind has gone blank. 

April is Caesarean Awareness Month, and it’s the push I needed to get all of my thoughts out. I’m still processing what the birth of my toddler was like as it is so contrasting to the relaxed pregnancy I had with him. This is in no way an anti-caesarean or anti-induction post. It is just my experience, my perspective, and hopefully something that can bring you comfort if you went through something similar. 

What Is A Caesarean?

So, what exactly is a caesarean? The NHS definition of a caesarean/c-section is “an operation to deliver your baby through a cut made in your tummy and womb” (source). I’ve been down many a rabbit hole of ‘c-section vs literally any other major surgery’ and I still can’t believe the difference in approach. Yes, you are still advised to rest after a caesarean, but also you need to take care of a newborn. There are so many nuances to this, but we could be here forever talking about it. 

Did you know that “around 1 in 4 pregnant women in the UK has a caesarean birth” (source). I’m not sure about you, but I was slightly surprised at how high that is? Maybe that’s because of the taboo around c-sections or the view that people only have them because they wanted to ‘do it the easy way’ or they’re ‘too posh to push’ (how disgusting is that phrase?!). And yet, even though they’re so common, we don’t always talk about the emotional and physical impact afterwards.

What I also find interesting is the different language around caesareans. Typically, healthcare providers classify c-sections in two different ways: planned or emergency. Since having mine, I found that some people talk about it in three different ways: planned, emergency or unplanned. I would describe my caesarean as unplanned. I didn’t go into hospital with the intention of having one, but I also didn’t get to the stage where I had to be rushed into theatre (although the doctor admitted that if we had waited longer, as they’d advised, then I likely would have been). 

My Birth Story

I guess this is the part where I talk about my birth. Some things have become fuzzy over the last 2 years (that’s probably a mixture of the gas & air and the exhaustion of being awake almost 36 hours during it…). 

I feel very lucky that I had the most wonderful pregnancy. Yes, I did spend my first trimester in a constant state of nausea, but I didn’t really realise how bad I felt until I stopped being nauseous in my second trimester - so it wasn’t actually that bad. My anxiety was virtually non-existent, my whole body felt full of joy, and I was so at peace. I still had the swollen ankles, back pain and occasional lightning crotch - but overall, I really really enjoyed being pregnant. I’d hoped that this laid-back attitude would help me during labour.

My ‘birth plan’ (or preferences) was very simple. 

• No lying on my back

• Let me try before medical intervention is presented

• Use hypnobirthing techniques and keep things as calm as possible

However, right at the last second, I agreed to have an induction.

I don’t have any complaints about my midwife, and she did what she could to help my body naturally get ready for labour, but she did push for an induction as she felt that my body wasn’t showing signs of readiness. This push started just after 37 weeks, and I had my induction started when I was 41+5. Some may say that it was definitely time for an induction, and maybe it was. But I think my subconscious mind had changed since the induction discussion, and something, somewhere, was stopping me from relaxing and getting into the right headspace. I’d also had a number of growth scans and was told that he was in a good position, yet when they pulled him out, he had gotten stuck. 

Personally, the induction was the worst bit for me. The pain was so much worse than when I later started contracting naturally. After being up and down for hours (by this point, I truly had no concept of time, day or night), my gut was telling me something was wrong. I had a chat with the doctor, and her advice was to try labouring for a little longer. We’d already had the red button pushed due to his heart rate spiking and dropping, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong and we needed to get him out immediately. 

The theatre team were beyond incredible, and I wish I’d been in a better state to take them all in properly, as they were just so wonderful. My gorgeous little boy was delivered after what felt like no time at all. The whole team made me feel so safe and relaxed, and just ready to get the whole thing done - but especially the anaesthetist, midwife, and student midwife; they’re truly the ones who got me through. 

I have zero judgment for however you decide to birth, but for me, I regret my induction, and that is still something that I am learning to process.

The Reality Of Recovery After An Unplanned Caesarean

Although I obviously knew about caesareans, it wasn’t really talked about much. I guess down to my relaxed pregnancy (and the ‘ease’ of my mother’s three births), that I sort of took it for granted that I would have an ‘easy’ vaginal birth too. I’d read hypnobirthing books & articles and done a course on it, and it felt so aligned with my headspace, that I didn’t really focus on the alternatives. 

I do have to give a massive shout-out to my partner, as he was so supportive. He knew how I felt and what I wanted and ensured that I was heard. Having someone in your corner is vital, no matter how the process goes. 

But having major surgery and then being presented with a small, innocent life that you suddenly need to take care of was incredibly daunting. 

I always knew I wanted to be a Mam, but being in intense pain from the slightest movement made it hard for me to be the Mam that I wanted to be. 

My Recovery Essentials

So, what actually helped me through my c-section recovery and having a newborn you may ask? Well, here is a handy list of some of my favourite products. And many of them are handy in general and not caesarean-specific. 

1. Big pants* - some people prefer to have nothing touching their scar, but I found that my belly felt like jelly so I liked having big pants to hold me in, but then wear loose clothing over the top

2. Loose joggers/pyjamas* - as mentioned above, I preferred wearing clothing that skimmed over my scar and just felt loose everywhere. Tight clothing felt quite claustrophobic to me and that was enhanced by my newborn being wanting to breastfeed a lot and therefore I constantly felt touched out.

3. Nursing pillow* - on the note of feeding, having a nursing pillow so he wasn’t laid directly on my belly made such a difference!! I had one that you had to tie behind your back, but I will definitely be wanting to purchase this one for future babies.

4. TV subscription service - Amazon Prime, Netflix, Disney+...I watched them all. I am definitely due an updated post of what I’ve been watching recently, so keep an eye out for that.

5. Books - I did read quite a bit in the early days, especially during late-night feeds when I needed to stay awake but couldn’t face the brightness of my phone screen. I also now have a Kindle* which would have been soo helpful and will definitely have that handy for any future late-night feeds.

6. Water bottle* - I had one in every room that I used often (for me that was living room, bedroom and nursery) as it meant that I didn’t need to lug it around while also trying to carry a baby. My hydration was so good during pregnancy and early postpartum, so maybe I need to start doing that again. 

7. Lunch box* - along with multiple water bottles, having a pre-packed lunch box with easy-to-eat snacks was an absolute lifesaver.

8. Wrist support* - I ended up getting repetitive strain injury from the angle I was holding my newborn to keep the pressure of my scar. I wore them for months and they absolutely saved my wrists.

9. Lactulose* - this stuff is absolutely incredible!! I believe it’s what I was taking in hospital, as that post-caesarean build-up is not great! I’d heard horror stories about your first post-birth poo, and this definitely made it so much easier.

I could be here forever, so here is a link to my Amazon Storefront* and my Stylink* for some more of my faves. Here is also a link to a fantastic Instagram account (csectionUK) that shares about all things caesareans. 

Looking Ahead

I don’t know when or how many, but I know that my partner and I want more children. The one thing I keep thinking about is how my first birth will impact future ones. I know that I 100% want to try for a VBAC, and I want a team around me who will support that. 

I’ve already done so much research into VBAC’s and how to advocate for myself more. But I guess we’ll come back to this when I’m pregnant again. 

I want to remind you that every birth is valid and there is zero judgment from me as to how you have your child. And I also want to send solidarity to those who didn’t have the birth that they’d hoped for and are still dealing with the aftermath. 

Our bodies did incredible things, and we should absolutely be proud of that and all of the amazing things we have done!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, so please join us over on Instagram to chat about your experiences.

All my love, 

Cerys x

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Meet Cerys👋🏻

Cerys is the founder and host of Coffee With Cerys - a cosy corner of the internet dedicated to self-care, confidence, and honest conversations about womanhood, motherhood, and everything in between. Based on the Wirral (but her heart will always belong in Wales), she’s passionate about creating a space that feels like chatting over a cuppa with friends - where no topic is off-limits, from self-acceptance to sex to the small joys of everyday life.

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